"It's getting harder, the more I read, to find any valor in violence. Even self defense is a kind of failure, a breakdown, a submission. Perhaps this is our world and the job of a moral human is just to try to, somehow, live honorably in it. It's been two seasons, now, since I gave up my religion. Everything I have seen since has confirmed my feeling. I did not want the world to change. I would settle for myself."
Reading that last sentence helped crystallize something for me that has been rolling around in my head the last few months.
I turned 50 two weeks ago, and for whatever reason, the universe decided it was a perfect time to bring some of my emotional trigger points around for a good dust-off. Family members who I haven't spoken to in years, family members going through divorce, friends going through divorce, my ex-wife popping back up with a flash drive of pictures for me, most of which I had completely forgotten about. All of this happened within weeks of my birthday, and forced me to deal with some emotional baggage I would have preferred to ignore. But I've dealt.
Where it has taken me is to the question "what does it mean to be a 'good man'?"
I felt a lot of love at my birthday party, and from my friends, family and members of the church where I work. So I'm not really debating whether or not I am a good man; I tend to believe that, by and large, I am. But I have been wondering about what truly defines a good man. Is it honesty? Virility? Kindness? Some combination of things?
The reason TNC's post helped crystallize it for me is twofold: First, I think men often mistake 'manhood' or 'strength' with being a good man. Our culture rewards men who are individualistic and rugged, and often penalizes men who are soft or emotional. (As much as I hate John Boehner, I think the political left's mockery of his crying jags is pretty repulsive.) And I think that is wrong.
To be sure, part of being a good man is having strength, but I think that emotional strength is as important as physical or mental strength. But the key, as I see it, is balance: balance between a developed sense of the typically masculine attributes of strength, sexuality, and emotional toughness and a sense of the typically feminine attributes of kindness, sensuality and emotional openness.
But as my wife, Lynda, pointed out to me, the same thing can be said of women. It's the balance for both sexes that makes a good human. Perhaps the balance is harder for men in 2013, I don't really know. My parents' generation was definitely patriarchal; my generation is perhaps one of the first that has been able to embrace gender equality. This also means the men in my generation have been the first to have to figure out their roles in a balanced society. All of this is probably much more personal than universal. Having had no significant male role models growing up, how to be a 'man' has been a struggle for me my whole life. But it has certainly made me more open to the feminine attributes in the balance scheme.
Of course, there is one key trait to being a good man (or human, really) that applies here, too: honesty. By that, I mean both honesty with others and honesty with yourself. My friends and family who are going through the divorces right now are reeling from the repercussions of dishonesty. In the case of my friends, it is ultimately his lying that is unforgivable, more so than his infidelity. He was seeking out an outlet for what he felt would make him a better man: tapping into his idea of sexual virility and power. But through his lies, he has completely come undone and recast himself as the lowliest caricature of human frailty and hubris. If I could see him today, I truly would want to beat the shit out of him, and I have never said that about another man, ever.
…but that takes me right back to TNC's post, and the whole point of this ramble. Beating the crap out of a man, regardless of how ugly and horrible his actions have been, and how much damage he has done to people I love, would dishonor the balance that I so seek to find. It would feel good, for a few minutes. But it would ultimately only serve to prove to him that his way of finding himself through power and strength and virility is the right path.
"I would settle for myself."
And there it is. The self-awareness to understand that the person I am now is not the person I want to be should lead me to be willing and able to accept change inside myself. I cannot change what he did, nor can I help him change; that is up to him. I can only work on changing myself. So for me, for today, being a 'good man' means being balanced and restrained, being completely honest with myself and others, and always striving for change inside myself. I may not end up getting somewhere when my days are done. I may look back and see that my mistakes outnumber my triumphs. The world may or may not be a better place when I leave it, and it may or may not have anything to do with me.
But I will know that I changed. And that will be enough.
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